I smell sex and cupcakes

"You want cum?" asked Kimmee Barnett, owner of The Erotic Bakery, while boxing one of the bakery's most popular products: an erect, seven-inch penis cupcake.

"What is the cum made of?" I asked cautiously. Barnett turned and said to me, "See? There's a homeless guy on this street who..." Before I could even react to that disturbing idea she smiled and said, "It's just sugar."

Sugar-- that's one of the things The Erotic Bakery offers. Sugar with a sexy, naughty sense of humor for those looking for an uncommon goodie.

Frequented by women celebrating bachelorette parties and baby showers, The Erotic Bakery located between 45th street and Corliss in Wallingford, bakes all kinds of party goods; penis shaped straws, penis napkins, penis balloons, penis hats, penis you-name-it... and occasionally a breast or vagina treat.

Owned by a family since 1986, the bakery's environment is friendly and not at all awkward, even though it's the only bakery of its kind in Seattle. A young man behind the counter smiles and greets everyone that comes through the door. When taking credit cards, he'll ask you to tell him the fourth letter of your last name--dude, he made me think hard! Photography is not allowed in the shop, but jokes about products are expected from both clients and staff.

SCC student Mariana Wilson said, "I decided to go to the bakery in the first place to get a joke 'present' for one of my good friends."

In the party section of the store you can find a wide range of erotic birthday cards with kinky pictures and phrases like: "congratufuckulations you suckseed.” They definitely have a creative birthday present for your best friend or partner, or who knows? Maybe for yourself.

And of course, you can’t forget the bakery section, with its ample selection of delicious cakes, cookies and cupcakes, each decorated with a marzipan genital of your choice. You can even choose the color and size of the genital. But remember that if you're looking to buy a cake, you must call ahead so they can prepare it for you.

According to SCC student Ksenia Popova, who went to the bakery, the sexual treats can even help solve friendship tensions. "I wanted to bring a cupcake as a peace offering to a friend after a little drama," said Popova. "And I thought that it would be 100 times better if it had a penis on it."

In some of the bakery's small aisles, the objects on the stands become more personal. The goodies aren't necessarily targeted for group parties, but for smaller, more intimate settings. This is the bakery's sex toy section with the most popular and discreet vibrators, shockers, lubes and dildos.

When paying for your treats, don't forget to read the insinuating phrases on the walls, taken from the bakery's shower and party cakes. My favorite, "Mean people suck, but nice people lick," is just one of the playful innuendos. You may also be tempted to get some mints, that of course like everything else in the store, are penis and breast shaped.

Isn't the erotic bakery thoughtful? You get to buy food and toys for your special occasion. What a convenient place! It's like a sex-ified Fred Meyer.

Reported by: Amelia Rivera, Kaiya Hubbard & Taylor Dahnert

Printed in: "The Ebbtide" - The student newspaper of Shoreline Community College - Volume 44 Issue 13 - May 8 - May 21, 2009